Let's talk about it (TW: miscarriage)

It was just like any day. September 30, 2023. Besides being 13 weeks pregnant, it was just like any other day. It was a Saturday. It started off at a work meeting around 9am at my second job. (I got it here when I wanted to make a few extra bucks bartending and serving.) I brought my little man that was about 15 months at the time, since it was mandatory and I heard a bunch of other coworkers were bringing their kids. He was adorable as always and being such a ham with all the girls. We were there to sample new brunch foods, drinks and learn the recipes.

cheerios making him happy while we had to pay attention

My mom wanted to meet us for breakfast afterwards, so we walked over to this diner down the street. I told her I had to run to the bathroom and that I would be right back. My son also needed a diaper change so it worked out.

Now, I have a had to wear a panty liner since what feels like forever but definitely since my last pregnancy with him. It is a natural habit to look down at the liner any time I go to the bathroom. Most moms that I know say the same thing. You are almost always expecting the worst. Is there blood? What's that color discharge mean? Is that normal?

I saw light pink blood. My initial reaction was to freak out, but I was with my son in the bathroom stall so I just took note, chalked it up to normal (many women spot during pregnancy) that's all this was, normal.

I got back to the table. A bowl of grits already waiting for him because these servers love him at this diner. I said to my mom, "I'm spotting, but it's totally normal and very light so I'm not worried about it." She just gave me an 'okay if you're not worried, but if you are just call the nurse hotline and talk to someone if you are.' I told Jesse, my husband, and he said almost the exact same thing. He was on a trip and landing in Honolulu later that day so I didn't really want to bother him unless it was urgent.

The day went on and I was just tired as many women are when they are pregnant. So I napped when my son napped. I woke up to a text from my best friend that her and her husband and their nephew wanted to grab dinner with us at this cute little brewery/restaurant new(ish) in town, so we went.

We got home, did bath time and bed time. When Jess is gone I usually have one of my parents come over so I can walk the boys for the last time. Both of my parents were home that night and I told them I was concerned I haven't stopped bleeding. It was still light but it was consistent. Mom said to call the nurse line, if I was so concerned, since it was a Saturday and definitely not during doctors hours. So I did. The nurse got back to me while I was walking the boys and she advised I go to the ER. I called Jesse and he was blunt as always when I asked for his advice I was hit with, "well if you're not going to trust the doctors advice than why did you seek help in the first place?" woof. ok. So I got my things together and I almost went by myself, but my mom insisted she came with and boy am I happy she did.

First I'd like to preface, I am not a writer and apparently even in a blog I am the worst story teller. So I meant to mention earlier, that I wasn't feeling that well and had a pretty bad cold. I realized I had grabbed my cold & flu alka seltzer and took that the day before and that morning. I immediately started to freak out once I started bleeding that morning because its not necessarily on the "No,No" list during pregnancy but it does have aspirin in it and they advise you to only take things with acetaminophen in it for medicines regarding colds, headaches, etc.

Okay now that were caught up. It was about 9:30 pm when Mom and I headed to the ER. They got me in right away, gowned and sent to get an ultrasound. By this point I will tell you I was very optimistic, I felt fine. I thought, the tech is gonna show me a heart beat and be like 'see nothing to worry about here' and send me on my merry way. When we got down to what felt like a dungeon room, I was instantly cold, maybe we were near the morgue, I don't know but I instantly felt uneasy. I stated a lot of this in my Instagram post but as soon as the tech lubed me up, I felt so alone. Our conversation went from talking about her newborn to strict silence. I tried to chalk it up in my head that techs can't really say anything and have to wait for the doctor, but it felt like my worst nightmare was about to come true. Even though after she wheeled me back I still made up the story in my head that it was just because she had to wait. They ran a few tests on me as we stared at the sign that told us Ultrasounds and any radiology tests can take up to 3 hours in the ER. So mom and I just instagram scrolled and I texted Jesse all the updates I could. Then about 30 minutes after I got back, I got a MyCHART notification banner on my phone. "new test result." My heart instantly sank. I hadn't even clicked it yet, but it's like I knew.

I read "no cardiac activity" and threw my phone. The room went silent and my ears started ringing. It felt like the movies, when someone gets bad news, it was spot on. I said to my mom, which felt inaudible by the way, "I had a miscarriage, I lost the baby." She immediately got up and said "how do you know?" she tried to deny all the things but the writing was there, clear as day. I had a miscarriage. I couldn't believe it, I still can't. We we're so excited for baby number 2. I facetimed Jesse and I couldn't even form words. I was just crying. He was out walking in Honolulu with his crew, headed to dinner. Mind you a doctor or nurse hadn't come in yet. He kept asking "what happened, what is it?" But he knew. I watched him take a seat outside somewhere, maybe a high curb or something and I told him what my myChart said. He started crying and you can hear his crew members, gasp and trying to console him as I talked to him. A nurse had come in and I told him I had to call him back.

Per the rules of the ER, they still had to do all the work up and get my rhogam shot prepared. I am O negative. I still had to get poked and swabbed even though I had already received my bad news. I still had to sit and wait. It was torture. The ER doc was great, His bedside manner was phenomenal and just by looking at him, he seemed my age. He came in as I waited for my rhogam shot and said "listen, I know there's nothing right to say here but I want you to know it's not because you took alka seltzer for your cold. These things happen. Cells just don't match up and it can cause a spontaneous number of events. I'm sorry that this happened to you and that you have to go through this. I'll write you out for work as long as you need, just let me know what I can do." He also suggested therapy and had proclaimed how much it has helped him grow as a person. Along with many other nice things, this was a highlight. ESPECIALLY, since all I want to do is blame myself and think this is all my fault somehow. I know that's not the answer.

It was 12:30am when Mom and I got in the car to go home. We walked in the door and my dad was on the couch, you could tell we were both crying and of course he knew. He gave me a big hug and I just felt numb. I am so happy I had my parents there with me, I don't know what I would've done without them. They made sure I was hydrated and fed. They suggested they stay the night but I insisted it was okay, I've got my boys, my two german shepherds to console me, and that they did. They wouldn't leave my side.

not sure why I documented this

the following night, Jesse landed the following morning

If you've made it this far, kudos. I am a bad storyteller but I am trying to get better. It is still hard to find the words for how it made me feel in the moment. It's been almost a year now. Next week. I can say it doesn't get easier talking about it. I still cry and I am still overwhelmed with emotion when I tell the story. I can also say that no one deserves this and I know now that it is more common than you think. Not 1 in 4 people but, 1 in 4 pregnancies. That boggles my mind. No one deserves to go through this and I am so sorry for everyone that has 💔.